We've been asked so many times, how are you? How are the kids? We are at our five month mark in our adoption. I feel that I've gone from treading water to doggie paddling, and that's good. Doggie paddling is good. Moving forward is good. I don't look at this as a, woa is me... we're doing well. What many don't realize is that this is going to be a long, very hard process. Adoption of older children is difficult. Don't gasp! We knew this going into it. We haven't had a huge amount of surprise. I did have to shed my rose colored glasses about three months ago...er, actually the second morning after they arrived. There is a side to adoption that unless you are a family that has adopted, or unless you are a very understanding friend or family member, you won't understand. I guess that is something that I would want to educate people about, since I believe that in this generation and following, we will see so many more adoptions. For instance, if I say "RAD" to someone who has adopted, they will know just what I am talking about. The same if I say "gotcha day." Bonding is another thing. Bonding takes time. We know that. Bonding also must start with bonding with Mom and Dad wayyy before bonding needs to take place with grandparents, aunts and uncles. Seeing an adoptive child who says please, thank you...that doesn't mean they are doing well, it means they have learned some manners. Having a child hug you..nope, that doesn't mean they are adjusted, it means that they like to hug. OR, that they are afraid if they don't hug you, you might send them back to the orphan home. What goes through the mind of the child? Probably depends on how old they are. Little ones...older kids, all different. Some kids that come from Africa are told they will be slaves when they get to America. Don't be shocked. Slavery still goes on in Africa...it's just packaged a little differently.... yeah, go figure. My one son thought he was going to prison when he came here. My other son said he didn't want a mom or dad, he was "just here for the beans." :) Our little girl, I don't know. I think she's gifted with some different grace. She never mentions her bmom. Neither does our younger son. Our older son mentions his bmom, bdad, brothers, sisters, grandparents, uncle ("Who is a very important man...he carries a gun.") Tells us which of his brothers are in jail...shows us how his bdad dances, tells us that he also gave him liquor, and that his bdad went to the boosh....and made his ma cry. He also told me last week that he stole some "Slippers" and wanted to ask God to forgive him. He has told me he had ice cream in Liberia, that they all slept in the same bed, and that the "haman?" would come and steal children and tear them to pieces and eat them. This same son has started to tell me he misses his ma, prays for her, is worried that she will die, and wants to carry her over here and that I am supposed to let her live with me and I will take care of her. Do you know what his eyes look like when I tell him that will never happen? Look, there is no way that I am going to lead him on and tell him, "we'll see..." He has told us that his bmom told him that since he is going to America that he needs to send for the whole family and buy them a big house. The children also seem to think we are made of money. No, we're not surpised by this, we knew this might happen. They look at Americans *like we are all Trumps, and that we can buy, buy, buy. This is one reason that asked people to limit gifts at Christmas, etc... Just recently, our one son "lamented" that he "never gets anything from the store!" Materialism sucks anyone in...even what you consider a poor, starving orphan from a third world country. Do we want them to remember that fact that they were impoverished, not really. Are we buying them anything they want because they were impoverished, no. Do you think we are mean? I hope not. We are trying to raise them to be thankful and to not covet....that way, they can take it up with God if they're mad. By the way , this goes for all of our kids. I believe our one son is really starting to bond with me. Notice I say start. Bonding is a process. It can be ripped apart at a moment's notice. Our other son, well, I think he is happy, but I also think he is coming out of the honeymoon phase of the adoption, which is good. This whole thing is going to take time. Again, we knew this. They are still getting to know us, for pete's sake! We have only known them for five months! Think of that... Older adoptive children can be manipulators, pleasers, and the most charming of children....especially to people outside their immediate family. This is why, if an adoptive family asks you to treat or not treat their child a certain way... you absolutely need to trust them. I am very thankful for the progress we have made. We have made much progress. When someone tells me, "oh, they are doing very well!" or "They look happy"...well, yes, they are doing well. I think mostly that people judge this kind of thing on if they say hello, please, thank you, etc... They don't have nightmares, but they do dream. Or, maybe they do have nightmares, but they are afraid to get out of their bed at night in case they're not supposed to get out of their bed, or they don't want to communicate that they might be unhappy because the child has a fear they may be sent back. Or, they don't want to tell you that they miss their bmom because they are afraid you will send them back. As well, they start to cloud their memories, maybe thinking things were better than they were, and oh, you are the bad mama because you have disciplined them, and they think the Bmom wouldn't have disciplined them, etc... In the first month they didn't walk in our house and fall on their knees and say, "gosh! what a great house!!! Food, glorious food! Woo hoo!! wow, are all these toys for me?? You mean these are all my clothes??" Quite the opposite. Our house was kind of scrutinized... I saw some disappointment in their eyes at their room...I was told by our one son that he wanted his own room.. :) there was HUGE disappointment when they realized that clothes were now being washed and, gasp! they had to wear their clothes ...gulp, again?? No more new clothes??? Food was looked at, pushed away, and I got many the, "Ah no lakeet!" I dont' like it. How did I handle the food thing? I basically said, tough taters. This is what is for dinner. Sharing was fine if it was Kate's toys, and the phrase was, "this is for the whole family" but, if it was my one son's book or toy, or something he had laid claim to, hmm mmm. It was his. The other side of this is that he needed some "ownership" of his own items...building his own world. Being part of the family. We had to switch our one son's seating around when we ate. He had decided that one particular chair was his, and one night just ordered me away from him because that was not where he was going to sit, he was going to sit over there, AND he would not take his shoes off until he ate. That was the night I informed his that he was not the "bossman" but that I was the bossman. If they had to go to the bathroom, we and all of our development hear the words, "Ah need to pee!" If they were full at the dinner table, again a loud bellow was heard of "my gut full!" Mostly everything was charged out at me the first month in an order. I quickly realized our one son didn't think too much of women. I was basically the help. The sun rose and set on Greg. We didn't get hugs, and no way kisses! Ellie was always a bit different with all of this. In fact, very different. Many people don't realize that Ellie was not in the orphanage, but went to a loving Christian home to be fostered until we could take her. Oh, if all the kids could have been in this kind of environment. Our boys have many tales of fighting, stealing and unkind and evil stories that were told to them in the orphanage. They also have a fierce and undying love for those who need to come home. I told Joseph of his friend Teddy's plight last week, and he cried. (Pray for Julie and Teddy.... ) I tried to make an African dish last week, and got shot down in my efforts. Truthfully, I don't know if I will try this kind of thing again for awhile. It hurts. Our one son is, I think, going through part of the transition of adoption to where he is relaxing enough that he is feeling his oats a bit. Mostly in attitude...and you can read it in his eyes. He's trying to piece it all together. Look, he's going to be piecing it together for a long time. There is much entitlement going on right now. Who knows how America and the new family was built up to him. Maybe he was told that he would get whatever he wanted? We gently and patiently are trying to show him that we have soooo much more than we need, and to be thankful for what God has chosen to give us. We have come so far. Our children are indeed happy. Does it hurt my heart when I hear of the glorious "black Ma" ? Yep. Part of me wishes he would just forget...I don't know how healthy that is though. He does have memories. You can't force someone to forget. My social worker told me to be ready to gently listen, but not to purposely prompt him to remember. We've followed this advice. Again, we've only known each other for five months.
And we keep trying. Five months. We have a lifetime ahead of us. We've come a long way. We have only journeyed this path with the breath of God breathing into our lungs. There are times I have felt that I was flat on the ground dragging myself along a dirty road, thirsting for one more drink from God to revive me. I have learned a lifetime about myself and my relationship with Christ through this adoption. The ship get rocky and rolly at times, but as long as Christ keeps us from slipping off the deck, we continue on. Adoption is hard at times, it is tough...God is tougher. The vision is for a lifetime. The vision is for these children's great great grandchildren! Good things take time.....it's only been five months. We will make it. I want to leave this extremely long epistle :0 ) with some verses that I keep continually on my heart. Then, I'm going to sit outside and watch my glorious children playing in the sun. We are blessed.
Matthew 10:42
James 1:26-27
Psalm 27:13
13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
